well goodness me, i havent posted here in ages! Well much has happened.

Europe was beyond amazing! St. Petersburg was probably my favorite city! i loved how different it was from everywhere else (of course thanks to their government and that whole communism thing that lasted a while) hahaha But it was all great and i met some amazing new people! A few pictures below!

 
on the other hand; the olympics! Gymnastics is driving me nuts! its what i watch the olympics for and all week ive been up until 130am watching gymnastics! and China is cheating! i do believe along with everyone else that some of the girls are below the age requirement. and i think that if it can be proven that theyre gold should be taken away. it is without doubt that they do deserve it but cheating is cheating! and if they wanted to send girls below the age requirement they should have sent to the board of whoever is important and said they want to lose the age requirement. Even Bela Karyoli (the American guy that basically recreated American gymnastics) said that he doesnt think the ruile should exist. he believes that if it didnt, Nastia Luikin (our all around gold medalist!) would have been on the 2004 team! so yeah, i guess we will see what happens! i love gymnastics :) haha

so friday was my very last final of my junior year. so i am officially a senior...its not like "OH YEAH IM A SENIOR BABY! WHAT NOW!" its like "holy crap i'm a senior...omg...wait...i have to apply to colleges now? wait!!!! i cant be a senior yet!" hahaha

but right after my final my friends and i kicked the summer off right with a pool party at my friend Eric's house. I got a nice start of the summer tan and had watermelon. perfect way to start off the summer of awesome.

then i went to the dentist...he said my lower right half of my lip/jaw would be numb for about 1 1/2 hours...5 hours later and it was still numb. i had to keep asking my mom id i was drooling hhahaha

that night i went to a fundraiser rave run by some guys in my grade. it was so much fun. the lights and the fact that everyone was dancing and no one was being judgmental was great! it was dark and loud and the music was awesome!!

then we went back to ashleys house and watched Lord of the Rings! what a great way to end the first official half day of summer haha.

then the next day me, kristy and nicole played volleyball and dipped out feet in the pool and played singstar (which i am amazing at apparently!) and then they walked me home and that was that!

best part of it all...i kicked off my sunday at 2am brushing my teeth and dancing to blink 182!! its going to be a good day...and summer in general :)

 i dont feel unwanted by my friends...i feel not needed. they all have someone else.

So I haven't posted in quite a while so i figured i would just ramble on for a bit.

I got my math test back and i got a B+! i think thats the highest ive gotten on a chapter test. and i have an 86% in the class right now, so as long as i keep that grade up for until the end of the year and get a B on the final, i should earn a B as my final grade which would completely make my life. I've never struggled so much in a class before and it would be better if i could blame myself, but i honestly fully can't. my teacher is just a terrible teacher. Nice guy, just bad at his job.

Im donating blood tomorrow at the schools American Red Cross blood drive...im not usually scared of getting blood taken, or shots...i just think im worried because it isnt a doctors office setting. Something about hundreds of kids giving blood in a school gymnasium, just sounds slightly unsanitary.

and on a very exciting note: I TOUCHED MY BUTT!!!!! hahaha. no, its not what you're thinking... lol at physical therapy, i was able to touch my heel to my butt for the first time!!! i can bend it that far now!!! thats the second of about 4 exciting moments in therapy. 

1st was when i was able to get all the way around on the bike!
2nd was touching my butt with my heel
3rd with be the first time i run on the tredmill
and 4th will be when i do my first flip at gymnastics again! 

so im half way there!

  i went to my first college visit today. i went to Arcadia University and i rrrrrrrreally like it. it made me realize that i'm pretty sure i want a smaller school and one not in the city (although its still very close to Philly which is perfect). and it also made me realise that right now, im not picking anything based off of gymnastics.

oooh it made me so happy today :) im so glad i enjoyed it :)

todays doctors appointment for my knee what not exactly what i was expecting.

after all of my effort and tears this last month, my knee can not bend as far as its supposed to by this point.

 the solution?  

i have to go under anestesthia (sp?) again so my doctor can bend my knee far enough to break up everything inside thats making it impossible for me to do. 

when is this happening?

Friday. whats this friday? My college visit to Ursinus. whats not happening anymore? my college visit to Ursinus. 

i was so upset i cried in the office of the surgery scheduler lady. she wanted to cry too. i cant not get my knee fixed but i was looking forward to going to Ursinus for MONTHS. and now i cant go.  

and not only that but i feel like my doctor doesnt think my therapists are good enough because of where my knee is right now. and thats the worst feeling ever because i love my therapists with all my heart and i know they are doing the best they can. so that really hurt me.

but over all this entire situation SUCKS. my knee has barely progressed and is so far from being where it needs to be. and not only that but its ruining everything left that makes me happy. ive been so depressed lately and i dont think people realize how hard im taking this. fuck.

i have my good days and bad days. today, i will call it a good day  (that is until i go to physical therapy tonight) 

Todays moments that made me happy:
- Mike's comments in English while talking about prom
- actually KNOWING what i was doing on my math quiz
- last day of health class 
- talking to Pat for the first time since 8th grade about our torn knee ligaments and him remembering i did gymnastics
-Johnny B hugging me "in a non creepy way"...twice...for helping him hahaha he was so grateful


Too bad my graphics arts class is over. ill miss everything about it. but now i have sociology and im really excited about that!

 i need someone who will lend me their shoulder to cry on and not try to make me feel better or rationalize my thoughts and my pain.

i just want to cry and have someone hug me silently and stroke my back reassuringly.

i cant handle this knee surgery anymore. i never expected the work afterwards to be so difficult. so difficult that i cant even walk yet. so difficult that i dont have a fiber of hope left in me. 

:(

so despite the state that my knee is in, how painful therapy is, how difficult it is getting around school, how much school i missed for the surgery, how sucky my spring break was, and how messy my room is, and how nervous i am for my teamate to do well at the meet, and how annoyed i am at my other best friend, and how i can never see my other other bestfriend...im happy!

haha long list of downers but still happy is a strange feeling for me. even the hall aid that lets my down the elevator at school says she can see in my eyes that im happy. and my therapist even said i seemed happy even though i totally screwed over my knee. 

so i guess im in a good state of mind; im just wondering how long it will last until i crash again